A beautiful, heart-wrenching example of Show, don't Tell.
 Keep It Simple, Stupid ... or Keep Inadequacies Sparce, Scribe I find it hilarious that when I decided to write a blog concerning cutting unnecessary words, I couldn’t stop writing. And I didn’t even write all that I wanted. Granted, some of the words are in lists rather than examples, but the irony was still there. Weird sense of humour, huh? Today’s blog is about reducing Redundancies, Pleonisms and Tautology in your writing. Grammar God WIlliam Strunk Jr. said: Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell. Incorrect: Each and every word has a meaning in a sentence. Correct: Every word has a meaning. Incorrect: When you review and examine the sentences you wrote, look carefully at each and every word that you used. Correct: When you examine your sentences, consider each word separately. Incorrect: Do you believe each one of the words you used is needed in this particular situation? Correct: Is each word needed in this situation? Incorrect: Or have you decided to include that word in this sentence because it is one you have heard before and it seemed like a good place to use it? Correct: Or are you dropping in words because they kind of sound right? Incorrect: Or could it be the fact that using these words has become a habit and you have gotten used to doing it all the time so it is just out of habit? Correct: Or is it a habit? Stop right there. Hear this: If the word is not needed, don’t use it. Simple as that. ✔ Get rid of or replace unnecessary and/or meaningless adjectives and adverbs. Consider these words: really, very, quite, somewhat, good, nice, fine. What do they really add to a sentence? Seriously. Unless you feel it is very important to stress somethingreally, really nicely, leave it out. That’d be a good idea, huh? Use better words. really pretty --------> gorgeous very costly ---------> expensive or (just) costly quite tired -----------> exhausted or weary good time -----------> enjoyable experience nice person ---------> amiable, considerate, friendly individual ✔ Combine excessive words to form a more concise statement. Incorrect: Susan thought the red paint was very bright and cheerful. Mike said the same thing. Julie really liked the happy mood the red paint brought to the room. Correct: Susan, Mike and Julie liked the bright red paint. ✔ Consider each word individually. Is it redundant within itself? For example: bald(-headed) (advance) warning collaborate (together) could (possibly) each (and every) evolve (over time) whether (or not) (fore)warn The terms “Redundancy”, “Pleonasm” and “Tautology” all refer to the needless repetition of words. Trying to differentiate the terms is (to me) similar to splitting hairs: it gives me a headache, and it’s not important. Basically, “Redundancy” is made up of both “Pleonasm” and “Tautology”. I tried to divide them, but I might have gotten some mixed up. The fact is that using either is bad. “Pleonasms” use more words than are necessary to describe something. “Tautology” repeats the same thing by using superfluous words or phrases. Lists of redundancies are endless, so I’m only pointing out a few that you might have used in your own writing. I have to admit that since I’m somewhat of a grammar geek, I get a giggle out of some of these. Yes, I’m simple that way. Examples of Pleonasms: at this moment in time square shape large size short in height return again eight a.m. in the morning reiterate again nodded(his head) shrugged(her shoulders) (the end) result Examples of Tautology: true fact free gift foreign import close proximity return to where he came from all alone by myself (in my opinion) I believe Suddenly,(all at once) “You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.” (Yogi Berra) “Either ghosts exist, or they don’t.” “Your missing shoes have to be somewhere.” A few of my favourites:
Rhythmic Redundancy I haven’t seen many references to this particular peeve online, but I would like to bring up what I call “Rhythmic Redundancy”. This does not apply to poets, who might actually be aiming for this exact method. If you are the next Dr Seuss, please look away. Each sentence has a rhythm to it, whether it’s “The mouse ran up the clock” or “The mouse scrambled over the weary hands of the clock”. If every sentence sounds either phonetically or rhythmically similar, the reader will become bored. That’s just a fact, Jack. Incorrect: Same rhythm ... sing along, everybody!: The mouse ran up the clock. She saw it was past one. The time for lunch was gone. They had to go to work. *yawn* Correct: Different rhythm ... better: The mouse ran up the clock, attracting her attention. She looked up and saw it was past one. It was too late to have lunch now. She would have to get back to work. Correct: Different rhythm ... best: The mouse scrambled over the clock’s cracked face, attracting the woman’s attention. Her eyes followed the scurrying movements then focused on the clock’s worn hands. How could it be past two already? Too late for lunch. Work beckoned. Ridding work of redundancies is a big part of what editors do, but you can do it yourself if you are willing to take the time. Redundancies can be painfully obvious, or they can be nitpicky. Either one is bad. There is no guarantee that deleting redundancies will increase or decrease your wordcount, in case you are worried about that. You can make it work either way, actually. The only guarantee is that your work will flow more smoothly, do more “Show” than “Tell”, and give your readers something interesting to which they can cling. And paying attention to every word will make you a better writer. SO ... at the risk of repeating myself, today’s message: Keep it simple. ✔ Get rid of or replace unnecessary and/or meaningless adjectives and adverbs. ✔ Combine excessive words to form a more concise statement. ✔ Consider each word. Is it redundant within itself?  I can’t remember how many times I read this when I first bopped around online, looking at critique sites, listening in on forums, reading comments on writing. Show, don’t tell. Huh. After I got hit over the head with it enough times, I understood the concept. The author must envelop the reader in the story, fill his senses with setting, character, emotions, action and everything else. In effect, the author must make it possible for the Reader to forget both that they are the Reader, and the fact that they’re reading a story. Sounds simple enough. Ha! Personally, I think that part of writing can be almost as difficult as the infamous Agent search. However, it can also be the most rewarding. And if it’s done well, the Reader goes away with an image in their head, something they’ll remember. In order for an author to Show, not Tell, they must allow their thoughts to be completely “at one” with their writing. Throw in all those techniques and tools we writers are always talking about: metaphors, similes, dialogue, etc. For me it’s kind of a zen thing. While your fingers are flying and your mind is racing along with the action, it’s easy to try to keep up by writing something like, She ran into the forest, needing to escape. That, my friends, is Telling. If I really take my time and sink into the scene, I am able to Show. The pounding of her feet was background to her laboured gasps; her heartbeat raced. The trees closed on her like wolves around an injured deer, their gnarled branches clawing and scraping her sweat-soaked skin. The air was heavy, wet from the storm, and slippery, twisted roots jutted up to grasp at her exhausted feet. Escape jeered from far away. <-------- Goal You may not like my example. Actually, I’m not convinced either. Could be overdone. But let’s consider it anyway. What are the differences between the two examples? Telling: Basic nouns and verbs Few or no adjectives and adverbs Showing: Metaphors: Can you see the wolves/trees? Can you sense the menace? Other devices such as Personification (of the trees and roots, and even of escape) Covers senses such as: Touch (clawing and scraping), smell (the heavy air), emotion (panic) Paints clear, precise images: describes details about trees, background on weather and conditions on the ground, location (faraway) of her goal. On the other hand, too much Showing can destroy a piece. Too many descriptive words, listing unimportant facts and features ... In my opinion, there are basically three ways to describe one thing. The first is Telling. The cowboy was blond and looked good. <-------- Avoid The second is what I call a “shopping list”. He had blond hair that hung to his shoulders and it was messy. He wore a red, green and black plaid flannel shirt that was so old it needed to be patched. It had a square pocket on the left side. His silver belt buckle was large and not very shiny. It was the shape of a wild, bucking bronco with a cowboy on top. <-------- Avoid The third is to Show. Long, golden blond waves, tousled by indifference, tickled the solid slope of his shoulders. He’d tucked in one side of his flannel shirt, leaving the other to hang carelessly over his thigh. A tarnished silver buckle winked from behind the worn material. <-------- Goal Another technique is to throw in a little dialogue. Everyone wants to hear dialogue anyway. Instead of: The office manager stormed into her office and demanded coffee. <----- Avoid How about: Her head jerked up as the office manager stormed into her office and slammed the door behind him. “I want coffee, and I want it now,” he demanded. <-------- Goal So ... Show, don’t tell: 1. Use effective, descriptive nouns and verbs, adding necessary adjectives and adverbs whenever needed. Don’t overdo it. 2. Cover as many senses as possible: sight, touch, sound, smell, taste, intuition 3. Use writing techniques like personification, metaphors, etc 4. Don’t list things, describe them. And only bother with the ones that matter. 5. Paint clear, concise images that will swallow up the Reader. Here. Try this. I’ll get you started, and you make this into something memorable ... The editor hoped her advice helped. | Genevieve
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